Hi my baby Bennett,


Your scandalous Mom got knocked up in June of this year when a sperm from your Dad trounced all the other sperm and was first to reach an egg from your Mom. I had no idea then that one was imperfect - probably Mommy's egg.


I know that little boys don't like to hear about gross girly things, but Mommy is overbearing and she's going to tell you all about it anyway.


Mommy has never missed a period and has never been late, so Mommy knew on July 1st that you were inside her growing like crazy! She confirmed it the next day by peeing on a stick and from that moment, Mommy loved you more than anybody she'd ever loved before. Mommy didn't care that her boobs were bulging out the sides of her bras and super sore, because of you. Mommy didn't care that she felt nauseated and threw up, because of you. Mommy would have chewed off her arm for you!


Mommy saw a blob on a black and white screen after you'd been growing for 6 weeks, and her heart soared when she saw that the little blob's heart was beating. That was your heart my love.


You scared the bejeezus out of Mommy on August 31st when she went to the bathroom and saw blood. She cried and didn't sleep and didn't move from bed until someone took her to her doctor the next morning. This time you were so much more than a blob on a black and white screen. Tears poured from Mommy's eyes and she sobbed with joy when she saw your perfect little heart beating this time. She got to see your perfect head and arms and legs. The doctor measured you and said you were right on target! Mommy stared at your sonogram picture for days. She kissed it over and over again.


When you'd been growing inside of me for 16 weeks, Mommy went to her doctor to find out if you were a boy or girl. You were a boy! Your great-great Grandmother's surname was Bennett, which means blessed one and that my love, is the name your Mommy gave you. But this was not a joyous occasion for Mommy, as it should have been. Mommy had two ultrasounds done by two different doctors and both were worried that something was wrong. There was a bubble on your belly and small spots on your brain. In every other way you looked so perfect to me. Mommy's doctor told her that she should have an amniocentesis.


The next day, your Mommy got on an airplane to go to a specialist and to be with your Grammy because her heart was breaking. She went to this specialist who looked at you for a long time and said that he thought you were ok!! He said the bump on your belly was a benign umbilical cyst. Mommy told the doctor that she loved him and the celebration started!!! Mommy did have the amnio done just to confirm that everything was ok since Mommy's kind of an old lady. But the joy you gave Mommy can not be measured! She would sit and rub her growing belly and sing your name over and over again.


You flew to California with Mommy that same weekend and she surprised all of your family with the happy news of you! Your aunts and uncles and cousins and your Grandpa were so happy to know that you would be joining our crazy family! We found a winery called Bennett Lane and spent way too much money on hats and wines and any other silly thing that had your name on it.


When Mommy was in the airport in San Francisco to fly back home, her phone rang. It was the doctor. He told Mommy that your results had come back and that you had Trisomy 18. I can not tell you the rest of the story my most beloved son Bennett, but my heart was torn from me that day and every day after. I did not want you to suffer for a single millisecond of your precious life. I would have given up anything and everything if I could have made you well, but Mommy could do nothing to change this awful reality.


I loved you for every second that you were nestled inside of me and I will love you for every second until I stop breathing some day. You are my first child. You are my most adored son. I wanted to tell you the story of you so that you could know that your short little stay in this world was my whole world! Thank you my precious little baby boy Bennett. I miss you and love you forever!


Love,


Mommy