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Blaze's big brother River born to Heaven April 8, 2003
Our Miracle, Blaze Canyon 10-30-06 - 11-01-06

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October 30, 2006, I arrived for my NST and doctor's appt. at 4pm. As usual, they hooked me up to the fetal heart monitor and the contraction monitor. I wasn't even there for five minutes when Blaze's heart rate went from the 140's to 84. They thought they were picking up my heart rate, but my heart rate was faster than 84, which confirmed Blaze was still alive but something was very wrong. The nurse ran to get a doctor, they took me in the chair I was in, unhooked it and rushed me up to labor and delivery. My husband was running along behind while the doctor yelled at people to get out of our way. I was crying, hoping Blaze would not die in my womb.

I was admitted to labor and delivery, told I would most likely have an emergency c-section. They hooked me up to an IV and asked me a million questions. When they asked me how old I was, I forgot and could not answer.! My husband had to tell them. Blaze's heart rate was back to normal but dipped once again. I had to lay on my left side, any other position would cause his heart rate to drop. I met the pediatrician who would be assisting with Blaze, he was very compassionate and hopeful that Blaze would be okay and we would be facing a heart condition alone. My husband and I held out for hope until there was no hope left.

I was taken into surgery and could not stop shaking. The shaking was so bad they had to take off my blood pressure cuff. I asked God to stop the shaking so they could proceed with the spinal block. The shaking did subside, and once the spinal block was in we were ready to go ahead with the surgery.

Blaze was delivered and my husband looked at him, then looked at me. It appeared by the look on my husband's face that something was very wrong with Blaze. It looked like someone had just punched my husband in the gut and he was struggling to recover. I knew then, my son was very sick and Trisomy 18 became a reality for the first time since I found out something may be wrong with Blaze on June 22 after a level 2 ultrasound. Blaze weighed 4lbs 8.3ounces. When my husband saw his weight he was stunned, because our son River was stillborn just three years prior to Blaze on 4/8/03. My husband took this as a sign that we would be saying goodbye to another son.

Blaze did very well in the beginning. He could breathe on his own with no help. He was feisty and we could tell right away he was a fighter. He was so cute, so sweet and so special. He was perfect to us and perfect for us, if only God would have healed Blaze, our lives would be complete.

As I lay there I told my husband to go ahead with Blaze and not worry about me, so he did, and I lay there all alone and the shaking returned in full force. As they wheeled me into recovery they had to give me Demerol to stop the shaking. It was torture not being able to be with Blaze. A dear friend was present right as I as wheeled out of recovery. She went and took some photos of Blaze for me with her digital camera so I could see him. She was there to turn away all the visitors that arrived because I was not wanting to see or talk to anyone. I appreciate all she did for me that night. She sat next to me silently, protecting me and praying for my family.

The nurse attending to me made a plea on my behalf to the NICU and the staff agreed to let her wheel my bed into the NICU so that I could touch Blaze. He responded to my touch and my voice, his eyes were beautiful, he looked at me and I knew that he knew I was his mommy. It was a beautiful moment I will never forget. My heart was breaking as they took me to my room.

I waited there as my husband stayed with Blaze. I had to wait to see Blaze until the next morning. By that time he was on 50% oxygen. They took a blood sample from my placenta to check for chromosomal abnormalities and the results were not going to be available for 5 days, but I knew already in my heart that Blaze had full Trisomy 18 and that he would not be with us for very long.

When I saw him for the first time, I got to hold him. It was so wonderful. Even though there were so many tubes and wires, I felt one with him. He was struggling to breathe and it was so hard to watch his fight for life. Each breath he took was selfless. He was not living for himself. He was living for us. I don't know how to explain that, but it is the truth.

We spent most of the first day with Blaze. I did have to go back to my room as my surgery was major and my body was not cooperating with me. Because of my shaking, I pulled muscles on the whole right side of my torso and neck, just breathing was hard, but not as hard as it was for Blaze. Also, the c-section sight was extremely painful, I was so upset that I could not stay with Blaze for the entire time.

I woke up November 1, at 4am in a panic. I told my husband, "we have to go to Blaze right now!" He did not question me, we got up and he wheeled me to the nursery. Blaze was crying, it broke my spirit. I picked him up and he calmed down. I was able to pump some milk for him and we gave it to him through his tube. It felt good to be able to nourish him. I was able to pump 4 times during his short life and he took my milk every time without any problems. We sat there holding him and all of the sudden he stopped breathing. The nurse came and stimulated him by patting his back and he started to cry and his heart went back to a normal rate. This was the beginning of a very long and scary day. He had 4 more episodes that morning of apnea and we knew he was going to go very soon. We never left his side that day. The nursing staff put us in the nursing room located in the NICU so that we could have privacy. They were very loving and cared for all of us very much. We never were treated badly and were always treated with much care and respect.

It was the afternoon and my older two daughters arrived at the hospital at 1pm. They got to hold Blaze and we told them that Blaze was going to be with Jesus very soon. They were upset to say the least and did not like what they were hearing. I felt my heart sinking each time I saw the disappointment in their eyes. They were just as desperate as I was, they wanted Blaze and loved him so much.

One of my daughters had to use the restroom at about 2pm. I took both of them and soon after my brother - in - law ran to get us saying Blaze's heart rate was very low and my husband wanted us back ASAP. We rushed back and I knew this was it. My oldest daughter was sobbing. We all gathered around Blaze and I started to sing Psalm 23. My oldest daughter was so upset , but we had to continue with Blaze. He opened up his eyes at 2:30pm as if he saw something captivating, and his heart at that point stopped beating and he was gone. I sang "Jesus Loves Me" and then we all said goodbye to our precious Blaze. We wept and wept. We called the doctor. She lovingly removed all of his wires and tubes. My daughters and I changed his diaper and we wrapped him up and held him until 8pm that night. Letting him go killed me. We held his memorial and his funeral on Friday, November 3, the day he was suppose to be born. We buried him with his big brother River at the top of Riverhill Road overlooking the water.

Blaze taught me that life is not about living for yourself, it is about living for those you love. I had my plan A, Blaze would be healed and he would live, I would be happy forever and never complain about anything ever again. Then I had plan B, if Blaze dies, I will die, I will not go on with life, I will give up. But Blaze took away my plan B by showing me what life is all about. Life is about living for those you love and for those who love you. Life is not about being selfish, but about being selfless. Even if you have to fight and each breath is a chore, you fight with all you have for that one breath and then you try for the next... I was not prepared for this plan C. Now I am not sure how to go on, but I know ending my life is no longer a choice. I must choose to live even if living is the most painful thing for me right now.

I dedicate this fight for life to my son Blaze, I will never forget him.